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Post by lostboy on Dec 13, 2011 10:56:41 GMT
How about putting a few of them in here? How about it being a sticky so we can all smile a bit when we need to? In fact, let's not make it best, let's make it any that may raise the corners of the mouth!
Apparently your life flashes in front of your eyes before you die.
So Michael Jacksons' last thought was "Who is that little black kid singing my songs?"
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Post by lostboy on Dec 13, 2011 11:08:19 GMT
I hate being bi-polar.
It's amazing!
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Post by Furry Frank The Combat Wombat on Dec 13, 2011 11:21:25 GMT
Bus bankers!
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Post by Rags on Dec 13, 2011 12:31:18 GMT
HOW TO COOK A TURKEY:
First, buy the turkey and a bottle of whiskey. Pour yourself a glass of whiskey and put the turkey in the oven. Take another 2 drinks of whiskey, and set the degree at 375 ovens. Have 3 more whiskeys of drink and turn the oven on. Take 4 whisks of drinky and turk the bastey. Stick a turkey in the thermometer, and glass yourself a pour of whiskey. Bake the whiskey for 4 hours, take the oven out of the turkey, and floor the turkey up off the pick. Pour yourself another glass of
turkey. Now
just tet the sable, and turk the carvey!
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Post by THE BEAST on Dec 13, 2011 13:21:20 GMT
some bastard went round my house last night and wrote the word "MONG” on all my windows...
... it took me fecking ages to lick them all clean again
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Post by patred on Dec 13, 2011 14:16:26 GMT
Party game.
3 people go into a room with a bottle of Scotch each.
All 3 drink the said bottle.
One leaves the room
THE OTHER TWO HAVE TO GUESS WHO LEFT!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2011 14:25:58 GMT
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied,"Probably fishing with his mates."
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Post by lostboy on Dec 13, 2011 14:59:21 GMT
I was in the pub last night and had to phone the police. "What's your emergency?" they said. "Well, there's two girls fighting over me" I replied. "Ok, but what's the emergency" came an enquiring voice, I said "well the fat one's winning"
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Post by lostboy on Dec 13, 2011 15:59:30 GMT
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice claret.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it from
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Post by Rags on Dec 13, 2011 16:10:34 GMT
Every night I crush a pill for my Nan and put it in her food. She doesn't like taking tablets bless her and it feels a bit sneaky, but I would never forgive myself if I got her pregnant.
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Post by sloughsaint on Dec 13, 2011 20:03:16 GMT
A few soldiers were piling up some dead Iraqis and started pouring petrol over them. Their Sergeant storms over to them shouting "What are you doing with the petrol???".
"About 35 to the gallon" comes the reply.
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Post by channonite on Dec 13, 2011 20:43:17 GMT
I had these from a friend over the space of a week.
They are supposed to be problems flagged up by Quantas pilots to the service engineers.
P=Problem
S=Solution
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed..
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks causes throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.......... (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last...................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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Post by lostboy on Dec 15, 2011 12:01:26 GMT
Dear Santa,
For Christmas I would like a big fat bank account and a lovely slim girlfriend.
Please don't mix them up like you did last year!
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Post by Mandochris on Dec 15, 2011 12:17:24 GMT
Doctor, I'm amnesiac.
Since when?
Since when what?
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Post by Furry Frank The Combat Wombat on Dec 15, 2011 13:45:35 GMT
when I was pouring my fake shreddies this morning I read:
- What's Britain's commonest owl?
- A TeatOwl
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